Valentine's Day

I'm struggling to come up with the words to write tonight.  As I sit next to the bed of the man who has, in less than two decades, become my world, I wonder, "how did I get here? This is not my beautiful life". Ah, but it is.  I woke up this morning to my valentine lying in his hospital bed and I knew there was no where else I'd want to be right now, than here with him. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, In sickness and in health, I am my beloved's and he is mine.

After a restless night with a variety of interruptions, we prepared, NPO, no coffee, nothing to eat for a 9:00 am-ish bronchoscopy. James is becoming quite the favorite in the endoscopy center!  The procedure was quick and initially encouraging.  Dr. Krishna suctioned out a lot of gunk and sprayed the  inside of the lung with 'mucomist' which is some medication that helps the lungs cough up the gunk.  Essentially, he has to clear the gunk out so his aveoli can process oxygen.  Dr. K informed us he would not do another bronchoscopy soon, to give Jim's lungs and bronchial tubes time to heal (and not swell).  When we checked in, we'd been told he might have to do up to 3! He said if the X-ray looked good, we could go home tomorrow morning. Beach house, here we come!

Ah, not so fast.  When I got to go into recovery, the nurses were having trouble getting Jim's oxygen (o2) levels up. After his X-ray they gave him the treatment - the breathing treatment that is, which really helps his oxygen intake.  Dr. K came to check in and the results of the xray were disappointing.  Jim's right lung is not fully inflated, it may have been collapsed from the trauma the lung incurred in the previous bronchoscopy.  So we will be staying here a few more days.

When we for back upstairs it took quite a while (well, it seemed like a long time) to get Jim's breathing to acceptable o2 levels.  He is now breathing with just the cannula (the little tube that plugs into your nose:). He still thinks he can take it off (usually in his sleep) so when the alarm goes off, I pop up and put it back on and get his breathing settled.  We are obviously concerned about any damage being done by low o2.  

And so, the fight continues.  Our old foe brought in reinforcements in the form of opportunistic infections who are undermining the very air we breathe.  But our fight is not over.  We continue to draw strength from each other and from our circle of care. We are not defeated nor deterred.  Love will win out. Love is the answer.  

Letting the days go by, into silent water 
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground 
You may ask yourself, what is that beautiful house? 
You may ask yourself, where does that highway lead to? 
You may ask yourself, am I right, am I wrong? 
You may say to yourself, my god, what have I done? 
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down 
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground 
Into the blue again, after the money's gone 
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground 
Into the blue again, into silent water 
Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground 
Letting the days go by, into silent water 
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground 
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was 

~Talking Heads, "Once in a Lifetime"