Love with all your heart!

Our Team of Warriors

As my battle with you ensues,
The radiation beams are fired with precision, accuracy and regularity.
My soldiers are dedicated
and know just how to break through your armor.
My armies focused beams are finding their mark time and time again.

My new team of warriors has arrived and the chemical bombs they have begun to launch will bring a whole new meaning
to my siege upon you.
Your rock facade is falling away, however you have had years to entrench within me.


Hiding like a child afraid of the dark, you have surrounded yourself with critical parts of me in your feeble attempt to persevere. You can not and will not, this I commit to you.

My soldiers are dedicated, and include my loving wife, family, friends, colleagues, medical teams, and even strangers with a passion that is focussed to defeat you.
Your existence in our world will one day come to an end.

Cancer fears our strength

I will be there every step of the way staring back
with the cold harsh reality that you started this battle
and I and millions of others will celebrate your absence.

by JBM

Eeyore is as happy as he can be!

Well, no sleeping during chemo today, but another uneventful session.  After chemo, we met with our oncologist who is pleased with how Jim is tolerating treatment.  We made some slight med adjustments and all in all the doc was satisfied, which for Eeyore is saying a lot! It was nice to have an uneventful trip to the doctors' offices!

After the radiation, which is scheduled to end June 14 (the last day of school, too!) We'll have 2-4 weeks off before he starts full dose chemo. So I am planning a couple short trips to seize the moment!

The man of action!

Jim had a really good first week of chemo.  He is tolerating it really well with almost no nausea and just fatigue.  But you wouldn't notice the fatigue if you looked around the house.  He's been keeping busy with a variety of projects.  Just this week he hung curtains in the outside room, installed pull out shelves in the kitchen cabinets, dug a trench for the sprinkler line, handled all the paperwork for all this medical stuff, did all the grocery shopping, gardening and laundry!  Whew! I am tired just thinking about it! And that's just the stuff I know about!  I had open house this week and got through it with setup help from Linda (thanks!).  

The nebulizer and cough medicine seems to mostly have his cough under control and his voice is almost completely back to normal, yay!  The side effects are being mostly managed and we are getting through this one day at a time, with patience, grace, naps and a sense of humor.

I have three more weeks of school and we have three more weeks of radiation and baby chemo, then we get a little break.  Trying to decide how we'll celebrate our 'time off'.  Ideas? 

Don't worry...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Long Day

Whew! After another coughing spell that made for a long night, our day began with me heading to school for half a day. Jim went to his regular radiation at 11:15 then we met back at the house around 12:30. After a quick lunch we went to the medical center for a chest X-ray and a one hour 'orientation' with the oncology nurse. She was awesome and really did answer many logistical questions and gave us some helpful resources. Then we went on to the chemo 'suite'. The entire staff was super nice and helpful and gentle with both of us. I think we both were a little freaked out walking in for the first time, but we were strong for each other.

His chemo infusion takes about an hour. The first 20 minutes are for an anti-nausea drip and then he gets the strong stuff. Like Marie suggested, we visualized each drip as a little pac man guy going to kill the cancer cells. Well, I visualized that. James actually fell asleep! This guy has no fear!


After chemo we went upstairs to see my doctor. For obvious reasons my stress level has been high, so she prescribed a little somethin' somethin' to take the edge off. Then across the hall to Dr. Krishna, the pulmonary doc who had placed Jim's stent. We saw him to talk about the coughing, which is a normal side effect of his treatments, but still a concern. So he prescribed a few things, including a nebulizer to help break up all the stuff Jim is hacking up...sorry, that is the nicest way I could think of to say that.

We are finally back home and both of us are decompressing. A very long day, but glad we have chemo day one behind us.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Our New Normal...for now

On Tuesday we will be meeting with the oncology nurse to answer all our questions (really? What is the answer to life, the universe and everything? Why do puppies feet smell like popcorn? Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?)  and he will have his first chemotherapy.  The Chemo sessions will take about an hour and he will go weekly on Tuesdays for at least the next 4 weeks. I will be able to go with him to the first two appointments and we will see how it goes from there.

We'll post an update Tuesday night.

I picked this picture simply because it makes me happy!

Better living through technology

I just got a quick tour of the room where he gets his radiation treatment. The machine is huge! It costs over $10,000.000 and weighs multiple tons!  The technician, Jeff, showed me how they triangulate Jim's location on the table using his three new tattoos and laser lights. Then the machine gets a more specific read and then it all rotates around him during the treatment. It seems like it might be easier to spin him around like on a bar-b-que spit rather than to move that giant machine!

After they get him dialed into place, the technician and I had to leave the room and he pushed a button to shut the 4 layer thick door! The machine has something to do with particle acceleration! Simply amazing! All in all he spends less than 15 minutes on the platform, Monday through Friday.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:The Center for Advanced Radiotherapy, Mountain View,United States

I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down ~ Chubawamba

A little boy went to the fair with his dad and saw an inflatable clown sporting a sign that read, "Try to knock me down." He hit it, he slapped it, he pushed it – he struck it again and again, and the harder he hit, the quicker it seemed to bounce back up. No matter how hard he tried, it just would not stay down. His father watched as the boy punched the clown until he finally interrupted and asked, "How is it possible for the clown to keep standing back up, no matter how hard you hit it?" 

The child scratched his head and said, "Dad, I think this clown is standing up on the inside." 

Did you know that each of us has the ability to stand up on the inside?(emphasis mine) Let me explain.

A magazine article told about a woman in rural Florida who was recuperating from a lengthy illness. She enjoyed sitting on her front porch in her wheelchair and, on this day, she watched her son repair his automobile. He raised it on blocks of wood, removed the tires and slid on his back underneath the vehicle.

Suddenly there was a loud crack and the automobile lurched to one side, pinning the young man underneath. She screamed for her husband who ran to assist, but he couldn't budge the car or the young man. He climbed into his own vehicle and sped off for help.

The mother, who hadn't walked in months, realized that her son's groans were growing fainter and she knew that it would be up to her to save the boy. She sensed he was dying and that she had to act immediately.

She rose to her feet and walked on shaky legs to the car. Bracing herself, she lifted. The car rose a few inches – just enough to let the boy scramble free. Then she collapsed.

After a thorough examination, she was found only to have suffered strained muscles. And the incredulous doctor's words were most telling: "I will always wonder," he said, "how far she might have lifted that car if she had been well and strong."

We've read similar stories about persons exhibiting almost super-human strength in times of crises. Call it a miracle. Call it providence. Or call it a physiological response to an adrenalin surge – this mother, and others like her, found the strength she needed, when she needed it, to face the crisis at hand. 

And so it is with all of us. When life knocks us down and it seems impossible to get back up, when life demands more from us than we are able to give, then more than ever, we need to find a way to do what needs to be done. It is at just these times that we come face to face with a reserve of strength we never knew we had.

We are stronger than we think. Like the clown, we, too, have the ability to bounce back. We have emotional, spiritual and even physical resources at our disposal. We may get knocked down, but we don't have to stay down. 

It's like standing up on the inside. And when we find strength to do that, we will be able to stand up to most anything life throws our way.

-- Steve Goodier

Thanks Marie, for sending this!

You have permission to reprint this article. Please include:
By Steve Goodier www.LifeSupportSystem.com

On the sixth day...

I'd rather have a dog scan, thank you!

Today was his sixth day of radiation. He is tolerating it really well, though we have learned that the effect is cumulative and he is just starting to feel what was done to him a week ago.  And so it goes. We continue to take it one day at a time.  After 20 treatments he will be re-evaluated with a CT (cat) scan to see how much the mass has shrunk and how to adjust the 'plan'.

This afternoon we met with the oncologist again. Though earlier we had dubbed him 'Doctor Dread' today he was just Eeyore.  I actually kind of like him because he calls it straight, but sometimes he is a bit too direct. James feels good about his care team and that makes it all okay for me. Doc agreed with Radio-Oncologist to start a 'baby dose' of weekly chemo while Jim is on radiation, which makes the radiation more effective.  We will start that next Tuesday or the week after. He will probably have this regime until about when school lets out.

Then after about two weeks of recuperation he'll start the "real deal" (doc's words) chemo, which will be a treatment once every three weeks but much stronger doses.  I am so pleased that the new phase will be starting when I am off school for the summer.

Speaking of school, I have really been struggling with what to tell/not tell my students. We just did a big thing with the Relay for Life for American Cancer Society and many of them have been impacted by cancer. I do not want them to worry about us, but I want them to know I will be missing work. So I have just told them that Mr. McC is still sick and needs me with him for some doctor's appointments so I'll be missing some days.  Then today I sent a message to my students' parents.  They are, not surprisingly, incredibly supportive and for that I am so relieved and grateful.

To top off our day, Mary and the Boy Genius stopped by on their way through town. She brought encouragement, support, a book and some ayurvedic recommendations.  Right now it feels like life is good.

Good News Today

The swallow test went great!  He doesn't have to add ThickIt to his beer...not that he ever would have. The speech therapist and surgeon both reviewed his results and said that everything in the voice box looked great!  The left side is compensating for the right and there is absolutely no aspiration (which was the thing that worried me the most).

He is getting his voice back, though by the end of every day it is still raspy. We are both in really good spirits today, despite a poor night's sleep. Right now he is making me dinner and it smells great so I gotta run!  One does not simply ignore....

Today is a good day!

We had another good day today!  James is feeling good and seems to have found a new routine...head to radiation and then go out to lunch! This makes me happy because I know if he is eating out, he is feeling well. He is doing so well that I have decided for now to keep working full time and Linda actually got to golf today! I have a few days planned where I will work half days and we will see how that works. My school district is being very supportive and understands that family comes first.

Tomorrow morning he has his 'swallow test'. They want to see what is happening when he swallows and are concerned he may be aspirating into his lungs due to the partially paralyzed vocal chord.  They will have him swallow dye and take 'pictures' (x-ray of some sort, I presume) as it travels down hopefully the right pipe.  He will go from there to radiation so I am glad I have a short day tomorrow.

Exceptional care presents just how caring people are.

My radiation visit today was outstanding. I felt like I was one of the family. Personal and caring queries about my weekend and how my second treatment went. I was reminded that there are aches, pains and a light headache that just does not want to go away without assistance. Better living through pharmacuticals for the quality of life that we ALL deserve.
I wore my shirt that Sandra had made for me and my family today and the response was incredible. At least a dozen people walked up to me with thoughts encouragement and support, yet they were strangers and understood and are in my corner as I am in theirs. A number of the medical team members in oncology wanted a picture of the shirt. The were so impressed with the shirt but more important that nothing to me would ever be insurmountable.

I have so much to live for and I have my own army with my loving wife and family supporting and driving me so there is nothing that is going to keep me from that.

"Keep fighting" and be the toughest SOB in the valley for yourself and for all of those who love you. There's NOTHING that is going to stop me.

Location:South Dr,Mountain View,United States

Mother's Day

We went out for a wonderful brunch with my folks, Aunt Gladys and Bonnie, Rex and Adam. It was nice to get out and about. We are so blessed to have this time with family.

I went with James to his second day of radiation therapy.  What an efficient operation. Yet, it makes it all seem so much more real, being there, seeing what they do there.  We were in and out in less than half an hour. We went to breakfast afterwards and ran a few errands.  Then we both came home and napped! I think the past few days have taken their toll on both of us.

It does seem a bit surreal to attend to the normal chores - feeding the dog, putting away groceries, gassing the car.  Life does go on, even though I just want to curl up on the couch with him.

Did he Smoke?

I am struggling with this post. I have been thinking about it since I told anyone he has lung cancer. So many ask, " Did he smoke?" As if his smoking makes cancer so much justified.  Do you ask a type-II diabetic , 'why do did you eat so much? Did you know your weight could cause heart attacks? '  Do you ask someone with brain tumors, oh did you think too much? Are we really blaming him for getting cancer?  I suppose it is our search for meaning - our desire to explain the unthinkable - to be sure, well, it couldn't happen to me, because I don't ____ (insert vice here).

And I am pretty sure a 30 year smoker with lung cancer has already beaten himself up with regrets.  Do we wish he would have not smoked? yes. Might it have made a difference? yes. Do we hope our loved ones who smoke will quit? Absolutely!

Please understand, whether he smoked or not does not make his cancer any more bearable to him, or to me, or to any of us who love him. I knew cancer was a possibility, always,  but it does not make it one bit easier. As my brother David said, No. Not one bit easier. Not. One. Bit. 

So when someone you know asks whether James smoked or not, call them on it. Why are they asking? Why does it matter?  My current response is, "Yes, he did, but it doesn't make this any easier."  If you come up with a snappier answer, please let me know!

He's Home!

After telling us Thursday that he would be in the hopital one + week, after one night they decided they had enough ;)  He is so much healthier than they thought so they decided after all the diagnostic work he could come home! His PET scan showed no surprises.  He has the mass in his right upper lung, some glands around the bronchial tube and both adrenal glands.  They decided he doesn't need a bone scan at this time.

After the PET scan today he went over to the Radiation Oncolology and they got him all set up for his radiation tatts and all.  Then he had his first treatment, will have another one tomorrow and then every M-F for 3-5 weeks.

His voice is still raspy and it may be that he always has this new sexy voice.  The mass in his chest puts pressure on the nerves that affect his 'voice box' and have at least temporarily paralyzed part of it.  So he needs to be careful with clear liquids, they recommend thickening every liquid, though he hasn't let me add Thick It! to his beer.

All in all, today is a good day!

He is one scrappy guy!

Let the battle begin

As it rests in it's formidable tower, we plan.

Unimpressed with our presence, we organize

You are so unprepared for our dedication to defeat you

You are oblivious to our unshakable love

So let us, the undeterred and the oblivious go to battle, for 

the vultures circling  your castle are not for me but for you.

by JBM

Who is the patient here?

Something funny kept happening today. Every, and I mean every, time anyone came into the room, they looked at Linda, me and Jim and looked very confused and said, "Who is the patient?"  Finally, the Radiation Oncologist said that when he walked in the room, he thought "the patient" was in the bathroom. He explained that Jim looks so healthy it surely couldn't be him!  Doc says it as a good sign that Jim will be strong for this fight!

I hope cancer gets cancer and dies

We learned a lot today and have a plan. We checked into the hospital around 9:30 and then had to be patient in both senses of the word. We met with the regular oncologist, Dr. Wong. He gave us a general idea of the plans and how we will attack this thing. Today they did an MRI to make sure that he has a brain, oh, I mean to make sure there is no cancer in his brain. We just got the results and his brain is clean (insert your own joke here). He also had an x-ray. I think that may have been to make sure the stent hadn't moved.

He will have a PET scan and bone scan tomorrow to give them a very clear picture of where the cancer is and isn't. Dr. Wong prescribed drugs to help with anti-nausea, anxiety and to help bolster his appetite. We both like this doctor.

Just now we met with the medical director of Radiation Oncology, Dr. Sinha, who will be our radiation doc. This guys was also great. He laid out the plan and answered my questions before I could ask them. He also is a firm believer in complementary medicine.

Both doctors pointed out that treatments have come a long way in the last ten years. The side effects of radiation might be fatigue, skin irritation (but not burning) and some irritation of his throat, which has already been dealing with so no worries there.

So here is the plan:
Tomorrow he will start radiation, which involves a CT scan and computer imaging to mark exactly where to zap. It will be about a two hour appointment. The funny thing is they have to take him in an ambulance even though he could walk there from here. Anyway, he'll have radiation 5x a week for 3-5 weeks. If he tolerates it well, they'll start chemo in about 2 weeks.



We all feel very strong about our plan to attack this. I told him what one of my students said as we were 'collecting coins to kill cancer'- I hope cancer gets cancer and dies.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Mountain View,United States

The Best Part

The best part of life
is not just surviving,
but thriving -
with passion
and compassion,
and humor
and style,
and generosity
and
kindness
~Maya Angelou

And in an instant, everything changed

Funny how one word can change everything

Cancer

I know I am not the only one this has or will happen to, but none of that prepares you for that one word.

In a moment, with a word, everything changed.

Someday becomes in the next few months or never.

Nesting becomes important.

Petty arguments become ridiculous.

People who drain my energy become a waste of my moments.

I want to cherish and LIVE every moment, in your arms.